I possibly made one of the biggest decisions of my life today. And I’m not feeling too grand about it, even if I did receive Word. I’m supposed to be writing PRs today but I’m feeling quite depressed. I feel a little lost. And angry at myself. Defiant. How come my heart keeps telling me that I should be there? This is the first time I’ve declined a job offer I liked. Do you know how hard that is? I feel stupid and lost. I feel so so lost. The first time I stepped into that office, I got a gleeful feeling. Like I belonged. I instantly felt like that was where I should be. I was ready to face everything that came my way. But He spoke to me and told me no. I feel like a little kid, begging for the latest “in” toy, and having my mom pulling me out of the store. Six days from the formal job offer and I back out. I browsed through the website just to torture myself… remind myself of what I was missing out on. Ever since that fateful day in my Womyn’s Studies class, I have dreamed of the day when I would get to work for an NGO. I got offered a job earlier this year at an international NGO but I knew from day one that that wasn’t the place for me. This one, however, really reeled me in. But, apparently, it’s not the NGO for me either. And I’m just so upset that I’ve been trying to swallow my sobs the whole day. Why does it feel so wrong? I want to be angry at someone, anyone – but I know there’s no one to blame but me. And right now, the lowest thing in my life is my faith. But, I guess I don’t deserve much blessings either. I’m not exactly your perfect Christian. Long way to go for me. One thing is clear. Right now, I am angry at Him. I just want to be honest.